you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
