I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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