I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There's always time for handjobs
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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