i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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