Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
