Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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