hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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