I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
