9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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