Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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