just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
