I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
