i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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