hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
