Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
