Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
