Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Two words: blizzard sex
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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