I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
