Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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