You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
