Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
