She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
