Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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