you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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