If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
