My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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