i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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