You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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