Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
