This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
