I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
