All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
