at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
