i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
