I am full of burrito and curiosity
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
