She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
