i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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