only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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