i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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