Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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