Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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