I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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