At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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