Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
