He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
