I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
