Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
