I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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