I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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