new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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