Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
