I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
