halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
