But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
