The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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