thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
