the condom got lost in my hair
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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