There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
