We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
