I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
