The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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