i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
