So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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